Grandma?
Yes Jimmy?
Does Santa really exist?
Well Jimmy, let’s have a talk. But first, be a doll and pour grandma another eggnog, would you dear? And grab me another cigarette while you’re at it.
Yes Grandma
Pouring sound
Gulps and smacks lips
Lights cigarette
Exhales
Coughs violently

The year my dear was 1983
Reagan was president that I can see
When I close my eyes and its 1983
He sure was handsome, the man for me

My third husband, all but gone
Ran off with some young blonde
Around December, at the crack of dawn
He had sensed something was wrong

I took all his money, a joint account
And gave it to charity, a large amount
(ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha)
Too much to even count

All alone, totally free
On the night of Christmas Eve
Something happened, if you believe
Santa came and visited me

“What you did, I cannot conceive”
“Your act of charity, made me believe”
“A chance to repay, a chance to be”
“The name’s Kris Kringle, and I came to see”

“If you want, something from me”
“I hope you’ll enjoy what you see”
Before I finish, this story
My glass is empty, so listen closely

Oh my Jimmy, can't you see
The buick riveria, is waiting for me
I’m all out, of my whiskey
To the store I must leave

A pack of newports mustn’t be
More than change, around 5.53
That’ll leave enough for me
To get some scratchers for the lottery

But since im feeling, Christmassy
I’ll bring you a present, for a small fee
Go to the kitchen and then you’ll see
In the cupboard near the tea

A Werther’s original, hard candy
Two small pieces, for you and me
Then a present, all for free
To you my grandson, little Jimmy

Before I go, I suppose I could
Tell you a secret that I should
Reveal the truth, if you would
The present I got, was so good

Had a le sabre, back in the day
Old and rusted, but it made
The trips I took from b to a
So I kept it around, anyway

Then one day, it fell apart
Drove too fast, drove too far
To the local mini mart
Had a sale on lemon tarts

The penny slots, just too fun
Blew my money, in one run
So I walked, without the funds
To fix my car, it cost a ton

To wrap it up, Santa could see
So he said, ”I’ve got what you need”
A car that shines, something with speed
All because, he believed in me

So Jimmy, the car you see
Santa Claus, gave it to me
The buick riveria, all for free
Just for an act, of charity
Oh my Jimmy, cant you see
The buick riveria, is waiting for me
I’m still out of my whiskey
To the store I must leave

A pack of newports mustn’t be
More than change, around 5.53
It’ll be enough hopefully
To get some scratchers for the lottery

Jeez Laweez, when I stop and see
This whole song is a travesty
It’s not even Christmassy
So for your patience, I will be

Back with a present, all for free
So Merry Christmas, my Jimmy
But I want, a hard candy
Werther’s original, for you and me